Some thoughts from Diaries of a Carnie.

++""Why oh why must we torture ourselves with the past? It’s been said that time heals all wounds, that’s a bunch of bullshit someone made up to make someone else, or themselves feel better. I honestly hope it worked. It doesn’t work for me.

Time doesn’t heal anything, it just wears it away, that’s not healing really. It’s kind of like rain on concrete, it just breaks it down after years and years. The concretes gone eventually, it’s the same with wounds, time wears them away, we forget, they’re gone. The ones that do remain, we still feel.


Everything is temporary, there is no forever. Enjoy what you have now"**


"I don't regret my time with John, My drifter, my travels, or my child hood. I was lucky to have those moments period". 

"In the end we are who we are. No matter who we try to be or wish we were. I am left with me, I always am.Love alone isn’t enough some times." --**


**from auther unknown. Diaries of a Carnie.

Mirrors

Life has a funny way of following us no matter where we go, because we have to bring ourselves along. We can't leave ourselves behind with all the other shit. No matter where I go, there I am, fuck.


I heard screaming outside...
I was sitting on the computer doing some research, reading some shit. At first i thought it was the tv. I ignored it. Then, as it began to grow louder and louder, i was still reading... i started seeing myself... screaming. Pleading... like i was in a dream replaying a past event i've done well to forget about. I started to feel uncomfortable and finally got up and went outside. 
What i saw was like seeing a movie playing in slow motion a memory that has repeated in my life so many times. 


She was crying... screaming. He was walking away in front of her. She was chasing him. He was waving his hand. Telling her to just go away, that he didn't want her anymore. She was desperate. He didn't care. This continued until they were out of sight. Then they guys voice... quiet. Whimpering... then more sobs and screaming, until it faded out of earshot. 


 I thought of a Jim Carey movie i saw a few days ago, "Bruce Almighty". In one particular scene empowered with all of god's power he screamed,  "Love Me! Love me!" to his girlfriend who had dumped him for being a doosh bag. The portrayed thought was, 'you can not control another man's will', not even god.


I have so many emotions inside of me right now. 
Yesterday:
  I heard the sound from blocks away, and sure enough, there he was with a band of new travelers, doing what he loves most. They were jamming out of the street. Upon seeing me he smiled the biggest smile, waved and started dancing. It warmed my heart so much! We have sheared some good memories. He lives here in town on and off i guess. like me. i met up with them later on that day at the coffee shop. I found out he had just decided to leave the following day to head to Louisiana with this new band of drifters. I was saddened to know he was leaving, but knew that he needed this. He needed to go and was just waiting for an opportunity. I almost went too, but i'll see him again. In February most likely. On the road.


The Road. . . . .


I've been reading about how emotional it is to others. Not just me. It is that insane addiction to almost everyone who has experienced it. Those that haven't don't understand the need for it. And shouldn't. That is most of you. I hope you never get it. But for those of us that do... it's not because it makes sense. It's because it's who we are. We just are drifters. We have found what makes us feel alive, what keeps us sane. 


Unfortunately, i am he, she, one of them. A drifter. Even if i learn to cope, become somewhat stable, and normal, that spirit is still inside me. I may learn to controle it, but it is a monster inside of me. A wind swirling round in my soul. it's hard to stand still with her trying to take you away. But it can be done. 
I just don't know how to be happy and content with this beast. Or why i am cursed with it.


I just got back... but i'm sad today. Because better judgment says for me to stay instead of jump on the back on that train tomorrow to Nola. I will see you soon...

Alas, My Life

To be, or not to be? To go, or not to go? To stay, or not to stay? Alas, my life begs for direction. It longs for something i don't have, that is desicion.

I'm still in NY. I was supposed to be headed home soon, but i dont know now. The friend that was supposed to come and get me on sunday, has sense came up with other plans and i don't think is an option. He has to drop his friend in DC and there isn't room for me in the truck. I could try and get to DC, but that in itself requires so much more effort (a ride into the city :$20.00 + a subway ticket 3.00 + bus to DC $30.00 = $53.00 not to mention i'd be having to load, unload, and carry all of my bags and guitar all over NYC then arrive in DC where i'd have to wait to be picked up again. Uh. I'm exausted. I found a train that leaves from where i am on monday at 9pm and arrives seventeen hours later in Savannah GA for $195.00 or if i stay here another week, i could get the same train at a special rate $85.00. Niether of which i'm excited about. I don't want to spend 195.00, but i don't want to have to stay another week. I'm working here at this crooked candy shop in New Paltz NY now, and could come home with more money in my pocket if i waited.... but there are two jobs in Savannah I want to be there for that are openning up for hire this week. If i'm not there, i'm not going to get either. Oh, the options.

Anyway, i want to tell you about my time here. I'll worry about getting home later.

New Palts is a beautiful city. I'm glad i came and got to experience another part of the US and see an old friend. It's a complete hippy town and everyone has been super geat to me. Some of the girls took me hiking, around town, bar hopping and just hanging out on main st.
There is a place here called the gardens; just a big field where farmers rent a plot, 12x12 or whatever and plant things. The travelers are alloud to go by and hellp harvest for food and keep the over run unkept food for themselves. The's also good camping near by.

I spent a lot of time just chillin' on Main St. with my guitar talking to other local bored hippies. lol like this guy>>> Andrew is one of the local artists. Cool guy.
This is a good shot of the strip. I played at this cafe'.

The rail trail was fun. It connects three citys here. New Paltz is in the center. It's beautiful during the day and is quite the party spot at night (no it's not leagal to be there at night, but no one seems to care).

Me and and an awesome girl named Emily wondered all day on the rail trail this past wednesday and decided to take a shortcut. lol we wondered up into this guys farm. they didn't say anything... but we noticed the "trespass and your dead signs" after we let ourselves out of their gate. 

Then there was the Four Loco party. Ha, JUST SAY NO!

they are banning this drink soon so some of the kids in town baught a few cases and cellebrated it's last few weeks here in NY. I see why they are banning it, as i blacked out at some point between the band in the basement, and the blacklit room upstairs. Aparently, i wasn't the only one! It was a hell of a party. There is a time for everthing i guess, but that will be my one and only experience with Four Loko. Took me three days to recover, and this girl took a week! Just say no. lol

Soon it will be almost a month i've be gone and i've had a fun haze of a time. Lot's of drinking under the bridge, wondering, standing outside, meeting randome people, but i'm ready to go I think. This town is a moderately open hippy village, but there's always that point where it's time to move on. And it's that time.

I've got to get back to Georgia so i can be ready for my next trip. The bus is about ready to go... again! lol And i miss a few people there. (You know who you are!) I'll upload more pictures of NYC chinna town later. That was cool too. So however i get home, i hope to do so within a week or so. I'd like to be around for christmas.... though i've gotten the offer to go to Colorodo for Christmas, i don't know yet.

Wherever the wind blows.

May we all learn to ride well. 

Don't go where the trail leads, but go where it doesn't lead, and leave a trail.

NYC!! Like wow.

So... i've been here in NYC for five minutes and i freaking love it!  The bus let out at China Town right infront of what looked like an abandoned building... but no. it was a Coffee Shop!!! Thank god! And who was behind the counter but one of the most handsome men i've ever seen! lol Yep. I like New York. lol

So, I have to find my other bus station that will take me out of town into the town where my friend lives. New Pauls. I'm not so excited about leaving this coffee shop! I'm thought about busking a little downtown, but I've all but decided to save that for another day and just sight see today. Uh Oh. I think i'm gonna really like New York.

Siler City Pictures!

 Pictures! here's just a few. I have some of my favorites on my other camera and will upload them soon. God, it's so weird being here, yet so wonderful. I've had a chance to really think about my life and get back on track i feel like. Though, it's been hard in light of the last time i was here. So much, even most, i would venture to say, of last years fondest memories were here. I wake up some mornings and just laugh now... others i cry because of the mistakes i made here. It's been a hard healing experience for me. It's like being in the same house

 your father died in for the first time in years. Or the seeing of an old family member and having to explain your unexpected divorce.  I left things here. Good memories and bad ones. Choices here brought me to the life i'm living now, and though wonderful, i am living a different adventure now, than i would have lived if things went differently here. This was a testing ground for me, and a turning point based on how i passed that test. I do regret, but i won't stay saddened by my lack of wisdom. I have learned a lot, and if ever offered the chance to re-live that old

dream again, I would not pass it up. This is truly a magical place, a place where tears flowed the next morning; and almost now as i write. Forgiveness is by far, the lesson to be learned here this time around. Of all that i've learned, forgiving myself is by far the hardest thing for me here. I am sitting in the same rooms i said things i never should have that affected my love and my life. it's like the walls remember every word.

In Chapel Hill NC!!! Yo!

I'll post pictures soon, but i'm having a blast here in Chapel Hill NC. I hit the streets around three and played until five scoring a good twenty bucks! Yeah buddy! I'm so happy to spend that on a cold beverage. lol

I haven't had this good a time sense Ashville. People gave me flowers, took pictures, and offered drugs (to which i declined - today. lol!) Now i'm hold up at the 'Blue Horn Lounge' where they want me to play next Sunday. I lost my job in Savannah Ga, so i'm pretty open and on the road right now. Got an offer to get to NYC and may take it. Who knows!? I'm thinking it would be a good idea for just a minute. I have to head back to Savannah in a few weeks regardless.

HERMAN UPDATE!!!!

Just got a call... Tim- "You think this thing was scary to drive at forty five, try it at seventy five!!!" I was having problems with the gas peddle sticking and not engaging enough. It works now buddy! Only, i have to get the front wheel-bearing fixed ASAP! Otherwise i could see my front tire sliding past me on the interstate pretty soon. Wow that would be crazy!

So life is good. Not as good as I plan it to be though. I've been fortunate these past few weeks, in spite of loosing my job in savannah. But i've found that a blessing more than a curse, freeing me up to do some things that have been on the back burner for a moment now.

Got some great pictures with some fans downtown on Franklyn St. Will post in a day or so.
Miss you guys!

I JUST WANNA GO!!! BUT I DON"T???

So herman is almost ready!!! God i've had a time with him... just like the rest of the men in my life; but we're hitting the road soon! I'm still leaking oil and had some other issues, but thank god i found a fellow lover of Vdubs!!! He's going to teach me what i don't know and help me get him road ready! Yay! God, i'm ready to hit the road!

.... but...

   I have found myself in a place here that I haven't had in a long time. I change my mind from day to day... and i'm still going. I have to. But i may be back to this town. I love it here actually. I have found a good group of friends. I can go out alone and always find people that know me and have a good time with. I have people i can talk to here. I feel like i have made a mark in a way in this town. People come to my shows, i've just met a whole other crowd of musicians to jam with, and I enjoy my coffee shop. i own this town! lol
but the nitch isn't good enough for me to stay i guess. I get so restless. Always searching for that something, some reason to go, or stay.

Traveling Resource! Night Owl entertainment.

CHECK IT!

SQUAT THE PLANET one of the best sights i've found on everything! train jumping, traveling resources and more. www.squattheplanet.com

and i laughed so hard when a buddy of mine called me and told me to look this up. you've got to check this out!

here's some nightly entertainment...

Musician Jokes!

---Daddy! I want to be a musician when I grow up!"

"Now son, make up your mind, you can't have it both ways....."

----
What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?.... Homeless
-----What's the difference between a musician and a pizza? A pizza can feed a family of four.
-----

what do you do when a musician knocks on your door?

tip him for the pizza

----- Great job. (I'm a very happily married musician - 36 years! It can be done. Develop a world class grovel. It'll go a long way)

some funny stuff!
Thanks Tony! lol

the wind at my back

I was talking to a friend the other night. We went to a show downtown at the Jinx here in savannah then wandered a while.

I've been thinking lately, what it is that drives me to wander like i do. The fact is.... there's just nothing like the open road. The rush of the wind, the people, the excitement and feeling of freedom. Nothing compares to it for me. But i've found, i like having a place that i fit into also. I've found that here in savannah for the first time. I'm so excited about hitting the road as it draws closer. It's looking like we'll leave in two weeks or so. But i'm also saddened and have this hesitation inside. I like it here. If i feel lonely, all i have to do is take a walk and i'm bound to see smiling faces of people i know. High fives from passing friends walking by and good conversation at the coffee shop. I fit here. It's nice to walk around town and go into any bar in town and they know you. know when you've had a bad day, know when you need a hug, or want a rematch in pool to redeem their pride. lol I would go so far to say that i'm starting to love it here. But im not content enough to stay. I'll be back i think. I will miss this place. But I need to go. I need to follow that breeze that keeps me alive.

The open road.

The wind.

No Body Loves You

Eric Clapton said it best when describing the irony of self pity. "Nobody loves you when your down and out". A song originally written by Jimmy Cox flooded the mainstream in the early seventies; and is still among one of the most well known covers to this day. I feel that Eric was making love to John Lennon's "Nobody loves you" when he wrote this song. Echoing the same feelings and almost the same words.

"Nobody loves you when your old and grey
nobody needs you when you're upside down
\ everybody's hollerin' bout their own birthday
everybody loves you when your six feet in the grownd" -John

Ever wonder what people would say at your funeral? what would i say at mine? did i do everything i wanted to with my life? see all i could see? what would my regrets be?

I've been thinking about these things a lot. Probably more than i should cause i'm still up and it's freakin' three AM.


That's my new theme song for the past week. I've lost a lot of friends and gained many over the past year. It's crazy; I think all of us have this place in our lives.

If you want to see who your friends are, leave them. And if they still remember your face in a year, you've got something. But more times than not, it's the people you just met, that offer you their coat, and take you in their arms; they are your friends. Most people, outta sight, outta mind. I'm that way all too often also. I have found myself guilty. But i long to perfect who i am.

Traveling, if nothing else, has restored my faith in humanity. The kindness and generosity found by a total stranger is something i marvel at. The hard ones, the tough ones to love are the ones we know and have history with. We've had time to get to know them and be hurt by them. Holding that resentment, i look forward to the day when i can still hand an old friend my coat, as if he were a perfect stranger.

I feel like i've traveled so much, i have no place that is home. Nothing is what i need in that moment. So i keep going. Running down this open road looking. I feel that if i stay in one spot to long, i get stagnate. lol i told someone today, if i were to stay in an empty town for too long, i would be the worst alcoholic ever! I have to keep myself alive. I hope i find it traveling this trip.

"Each city is like the next if you have no ties keeping you there. The wind will continue to blow me away. Farther from finding a place to rest."