The Echos of a soul

That personality is a transient by nature, not materialistic, existing for the moment. These people do it for the love of it, they need to keep moving, dreaming, living just for this day, tomorrow comes tomorrow.


I really don't think I've found my place in the world yet, I'm just on the road till I get there.

Trite and Meaningless

That's how I feel about my life some days, when I'm not thinking clearly of course.

There have been times when I wondered if I was pissing my life away, I'm not, I'm doing what I want to do, so I can't bitch.

I hate being tied down anyway, I like to keep moving, always.

I have tried a normal life a few times though, the end result was always the same, I got bored, started fucking shit up, lost momentum.

-0---- i am not the only one. 

I have had love, so strong it's ridiculous. I know it's pain... so much that doesn't make sense. I know joy that makes you wish you could convey it to someone. And sorrow that makes you loose any hope in your soul. 

I met a man here recently who was just like me. Both hurt and lonely, we talked about what we had lost and morned. We helped each other. True, genuine, and transient by nature. That is what we sheared. From the moment i saw his smile, i knew him. He knew me. We clung to each other knowing it would be for today, knowing our tomorrows were so unstable. We made plans, but we are the same. We never know. I left him first, then returned. He had to go then. He is gone now, but i will see him again and smile. 

He understood. 

So do I.

Some thoughts from Diaries of a Carnie.

++""Why oh why must we torture ourselves with the past? It’s been said that time heals all wounds, that’s a bunch of bullshit someone made up to make someone else, or themselves feel better. I honestly hope it worked. It doesn’t work for me.

Time doesn’t heal anything, it just wears it away, that’s not healing really. It’s kind of like rain on concrete, it just breaks it down after years and years. The concretes gone eventually, it’s the same with wounds, time wears them away, we forget, they’re gone. The ones that do remain, we still feel.


Everything is temporary, there is no forever. Enjoy what you have now"**


"I don't regret my time with John, My drifter, my travels, or my child hood. I was lucky to have those moments period". 

"In the end we are who we are. No matter who we try to be or wish we were. I am left with me, I always am.Love alone isn’t enough some times." --**


**from auther unknown. Diaries of a Carnie.

Mirrors

Life has a funny way of following us no matter where we go, because we have to bring ourselves along. We can't leave ourselves behind with all the other shit. No matter where I go, there I am, fuck.


I heard screaming outside...
I was sitting on the computer doing some research, reading some shit. At first i thought it was the tv. I ignored it. Then, as it began to grow louder and louder, i was still reading... i started seeing myself... screaming. Pleading... like i was in a dream replaying a past event i've done well to forget about. I started to feel uncomfortable and finally got up and went outside. 
What i saw was like seeing a movie playing in slow motion a memory that has repeated in my life so many times. 


She was crying... screaming. He was walking away in front of her. She was chasing him. He was waving his hand. Telling her to just go away, that he didn't want her anymore. She was desperate. He didn't care. This continued until they were out of sight. Then they guys voice... quiet. Whimpering... then more sobs and screaming, until it faded out of earshot. 


 I thought of a Jim Carey movie i saw a few days ago, "Bruce Almighty". In one particular scene empowered with all of god's power he screamed,  "Love Me! Love me!" to his girlfriend who had dumped him for being a doosh bag. The portrayed thought was, 'you can not control another man's will', not even god.


I have so many emotions inside of me right now. 
Yesterday:
  I heard the sound from blocks away, and sure enough, there he was with a band of new travelers, doing what he loves most. They were jamming out of the street. Upon seeing me he smiled the biggest smile, waved and started dancing. It warmed my heart so much! We have sheared some good memories. He lives here in town on and off i guess. like me. i met up with them later on that day at the coffee shop. I found out he had just decided to leave the following day to head to Louisiana with this new band of drifters. I was saddened to know he was leaving, but knew that he needed this. He needed to go and was just waiting for an opportunity. I almost went too, but i'll see him again. In February most likely. On the road.


The Road. . . . .


I've been reading about how emotional it is to others. Not just me. It is that insane addiction to almost everyone who has experienced it. Those that haven't don't understand the need for it. And shouldn't. That is most of you. I hope you never get it. But for those of us that do... it's not because it makes sense. It's because it's who we are. We just are drifters. We have found what makes us feel alive, what keeps us sane. 


Unfortunately, i am he, she, one of them. A drifter. Even if i learn to cope, become somewhat stable, and normal, that spirit is still inside me. I may learn to controle it, but it is a monster inside of me. A wind swirling round in my soul. it's hard to stand still with her trying to take you away. But it can be done. 
I just don't know how to be happy and content with this beast. Or why i am cursed with it.


I just got back... but i'm sad today. Because better judgment says for me to stay instead of jump on the back on that train tomorrow to Nola. I will see you soon...