So, again, I'm doing some major recapping. I'll try and stay in place of the time line though.
We spent Christmas in Siler City NC at a dear friend of mines house. He had gone on tour and asked if me and John wanted to house sit for a few months. We saw this as a great opportunity to get some things done, stay in one spot a while and work on the buss. So there we were. Our time there was irreplaceable. It was there John proposed, we laughed, met Mina and her family, went contra dancing for the first time (after which John insisted we have that at our wedding) learned about 'WOOFER' (we decided to do that and go to Hawaii for our honeymoon) and really started to love life. Me and John became really close over the coarse of those four months. We laughed a lot, cried through some things, and I really learned who he was and how much he loved me.
I will never forget that city. I miss it so much. It was where love bloomed for me.
Tony Had family coming down for the holidays, so we needed to spread out for a few weeks. I got a job at Waffle House, and we spent Christmas in one of the older unused cabins on Tony's property, equipped with a wood burning stove to keep us warm. That was fun. Then we rented a hotel for two weeks, where we spent New years.
I will never forget that year. Me and John sat on the bed watching the festivities downtown. Tony gave us a bottle of champagne, and when the clock struck midnight, John popped the top! It went everywhere! We laughed, and I had the best time right there in that little hotel room on the edge of town. John would walk me to work and sit at the Waffle House for hours while talking to regulars and smiling at me.
I got to see snow for the first time for real! Lots of it, and shear that with John. We'd sit on the porch before work, drink coffee and talk, looking at the beautiful bright snow covered garden. He would cook almost every night. He didn't like me to help him. lol I can't cook. He'd simply give me a glass of wine and suggest I keep him company. You couldn't ask for anything more romantic than some of those mornings and nights there at the cabin. I hated my job, but loved this time, and looking back wouldn't change it for the world.
After the holidays and several months of staying in Siler City, our plan was to finally get to TN. We got our tax money back, and were ready to settle down into a place to stay.
Staying in one spot for so many months in Siler City had spoiled us, and we wanted to make life happen for ourselves.
The everyday stresses of the road had stared to wear on John, the job market was difficult in Siler City, and things were getting pretty stressful. We stared to argue and things started to change. We were musicians, and wanted to do that for our living, but had a hard time pursuing the needed open opportunities for lack of resources (Money, Gas Money, and descent transportation). Like I started out saying,
things don't always turn out like you planed.
We didn't make enough money with having to stay at a hotel and take care of some other issues that came up, to buy the parts we needed to fix the bus; so we were running on empty.
I was complaining that things weren't working and John felt the pressure as a man to provide.
So we stared the apartment search online for places in TN and were weeks away from leaving, when we got a call from Glen and Amy in Greeneville SC.
Amy had gotten a great job and new loft apartment in Anderson, so while no one was staying at their Greenville home, they offered to let us come down and stay there. We had talked to Glen about getting some help with a press kit and getting some more recording done so that we would have a demo and website when we went to Nashville; making it ten-thousand times easier to book shows and promote ourselves.
We missed SC, John's family, Easter was coming up, and thought it would be good to stop by before heading to what we would call home for a while, plus the investment now with the help offered, would benefit us when we did get to settle down in TN.
The time line looked right, and we could still get into an apartment by May 1st in TN.
So off we went.
This is the only decision I really regret. I knew in my gut enough was enough and we needed to get settled. But it seemed like a good idea and seeing all our friends down there sounded like fun. We had the time, and when I found out there were some shows Glen had already booked down there if we would just give him the okay, that would pay for the gas money needed and give us an extra boost toward TN leaving us the same or better off in a month. I thought it would be great.
It was, and I believe could have been; but you never can tell or predict what's going to happen.
Greenville was great, but me and John were really fighting a lot. About nothing. Little things and everything. To the point it made it hard to work together. So much hurt started bottling up those last few weeks before we left, then when we got to Greenville, it was all we could do to smile in public. You can't work that way. You can't get things done that way. You can't enjoy life, and make things work out of nothing that way.
We were handed the world there, talked to Glen, he offered to take us on as our booking manager (something I knew he would be great at, and we needed the help desperately), the only kicker was I'd have to let go of Nashville for a while. After much thought, for where we were, what was going on and our options, we were successful in Greenville. It was happening now here. John left it up to me because from the beginning, all I wanted was to get back to Tennessee. I used to live there, loved it there, had memories there, played music there, but it was not there anymore. I was wanting to go back to find and finish a dream I felt I had woken up from to soon. When the fact of the matter was, I was here. Now.
So I agreed. I was happy with my decision, but told John, the only thing was, I had no safety net in Greenville. This was his home town where I was being constantly introduced to all his old friends. Our relationship was very rocky at this point and I needed stability and to know that we would be okay. That is something now one I guess can guarantee. But I had to choose, and I chose to give it all I had. It took all the egs I had in one basket if I wanted to give this a fair shot, so I tossed them in with a hope it would work.
We landed several more shows while in town, set up a recording schedule, put a down payment on an apartment, and allowed our craft to grow. We quickly gained recognition with Glens help and all the support of friends he had introduced us to.
It was like a freight train!
With so much support behind us we started playing every week and had just landed a twice a week gig as the house band for the Oyster Bar on the west end of town making $600.00+ a week, not including side gigs and privet parties. The world was working in our favor, but me and John continued to argue and it was making it hard to enjoy all our success.
Our close friends were being patient with us, seeing where we were going through, tolerating the attitudes they felt when we were in a room together, doing their best to encourage us. On the buisness end of things, our almost manager put a hold on things until John and I could get through some things and get stable. I can't blame him for not wanting to invest into something that may fall apart.
I was feeling the same way. Scared that it could all end just as suddenly as it started.
We were at the top of our game. Just getting finally! To where we had said we wanted to go. Making a living doing what we loved, weeks away from moving into a killer loft downtown, when we had the fight.
It wasn't huge. Nothing we hadn't been through before, it was just the last time.
John left for a few days and went to stay with friends.
I stayed in the empty Greenville house waiting to hear from him.
We went back and fourth a few times, I cried, he talked about how he felt. But it was over. For now at least. I didn't want to give up, but I couldn't stop it. He was done.
Neither of us wanted to loose the success we had managed or the small victories or ground we had gained. But without unity and the two of us working together, it was impossible.
There was so much hurt, I couldn't do it. We tried to continue to work together and played a few more shows, continuing to find new opportunities, but with him going home somewhere else, and me alone now every night, it was hard and eating me up.
Just like any breakup, it can feel like the end of your world. And I felt it was the end of mine. I knew who I was, what I wanted to do, but was hurt as anyone would be.
I was in love.
In love with a man, a dream, an open importunity that we had just barely tasted.
I learned a lot. I had a good time. But I believed what made everything work like it did was the hope we had and the love we had for each other to keep going that made us what we were. That made our music what it was.
Music is passion. Love is passion and commitment.
Love is all you need.
That was all we had.
But when you let the weight of the world choke that out,
you're left with just a hippy bus, and a guitar, and an empty talent.
I am back in Savannah where it all started. No worse for wear, just left with a screaming reaffirmation of what I already knew.
You can gain the whole world, but without love...
... it is all meaningless.
I got the bus, the guitars, the empty dreams I did when I left Savannah. Now I'm back fixing the bus, working at the same job I was before. Living okay. Paying my bills with plenty to spare. Hanging out with the two old friends I used to, wondering why.
I will always come back to love. What loves me back.
I'm investing myself into my love. My passion. The thing that loves me back and makes me feel whole. The thing that gives me enjoyment and happiness. The only love that is still there and will always be there. Wishing it could have worked out differently. But glad for the time I had.
I still haven't let go of my dreams. I'm making the most of the time I have now, saving money, fixing what used to be our bus. It's not so much fun when it's just mine. Waiting for time to heal the hurt, until I can pick up my guitar again and sing. . .
. . . with passion.
Music is passion.
Love is Passion with commitment.
Love is all you need.
