Mirrors

Life has a funny way of following us no matter where we go, because we have to bring ourselves along. We can't leave ourselves behind with all the other shit. No matter where I go, there I am, fuck.


I heard screaming outside...
I was sitting on the computer doing some research, reading some shit. At first i thought it was the tv. I ignored it. Then, as it began to grow louder and louder, i was still reading... i started seeing myself... screaming. Pleading... like i was in a dream replaying a past event i've done well to forget about. I started to feel uncomfortable and finally got up and went outside. 
What i saw was like seeing a movie playing in slow motion a memory that has repeated in my life so many times. 


She was crying... screaming. He was walking away in front of her. She was chasing him. He was waving his hand. Telling her to just go away, that he didn't want her anymore. She was desperate. He didn't care. This continued until they were out of sight. Then they guys voice... quiet. Whimpering... then more sobs and screaming, until it faded out of earshot. 


 I thought of a Jim Carey movie i saw a few days ago, "Bruce Almighty". In one particular scene empowered with all of god's power he screamed,  "Love Me! Love me!" to his girlfriend who had dumped him for being a doosh bag. The portrayed thought was, 'you can not control another man's will', not even god.


I have so many emotions inside of me right now. 
Yesterday:
  I heard the sound from blocks away, and sure enough, there he was with a band of new travelers, doing what he loves most. They were jamming out of the street. Upon seeing me he smiled the biggest smile, waved and started dancing. It warmed my heart so much! We have sheared some good memories. He lives here in town on and off i guess. like me. i met up with them later on that day at the coffee shop. I found out he had just decided to leave the following day to head to Louisiana with this new band of drifters. I was saddened to know he was leaving, but knew that he needed this. He needed to go and was just waiting for an opportunity. I almost went too, but i'll see him again. In February most likely. On the road.


The Road. . . . .


I've been reading about how emotional it is to others. Not just me. It is that insane addiction to almost everyone who has experienced it. Those that haven't don't understand the need for it. And shouldn't. That is most of you. I hope you never get it. But for those of us that do... it's not because it makes sense. It's because it's who we are. We just are drifters. We have found what makes us feel alive, what keeps us sane. 


Unfortunately, i am he, she, one of them. A drifter. Even if i learn to cope, become somewhat stable, and normal, that spirit is still inside me. I may learn to controle it, but it is a monster inside of me. A wind swirling round in my soul. it's hard to stand still with her trying to take you away. But it can be done. 
I just don't know how to be happy and content with this beast. Or why i am cursed with it.


I just got back... but i'm sad today. Because better judgment says for me to stay instead of jump on the back on that train tomorrow to Nola. I will see you soon...