A thought to sell out

So, i thought i was gonna have to sell Herman! Ahhhh!!!! lol I'm not sure if offered the right price that i won't, but i washed him all up and took him for a drive yesterday. Every time I do i fall in love again. He's all cleaned up and back to his handsome self. I'm gonna start painting him FINALLY! Also, something weird i found out while scrubbing off some rust is that he wasn't white originally like i always thought. He could have been one of three colors. There is light blue, Rust orange, and then the white. i think he was Orange originally. That's what i'd like to take him back to. I'll find out monday if i get this job i want, if so, i'll be able to keep herman and continue to restore him. That is what i'd like to do. I found out that my negative ground wire is the main problem (and eight dollar fix) for starters. He needs a whole new wiring harness (300 dollars). But after that, he should be good for the long haul again.

   I had something else profound i was going to shear, but i've only had one cup of coffee this morning and lost my train of thought.

  I miss Glen and Amy, Mike and Lexi, and Smily's acoustic bar in Greenville. I'd also like to take him up and show him off to my friends in Nashville, Arron More, and Tony! You don't even know! Noodles, i'm wondering how your race life is going. I can't wait to see you and catch up. It looks like it will be a while though. I'm starting from zero again, but it all should work out fine if i get this job on Monday. I'm not saying what it is yet, but if i get it, my life would be awesome! Thanks for reading, and i'll let you all know (all being my two mystery readers i guess).

much love,
   Mallory Jen~

Happiness

Everything is temporary, there is no forever. Enjoy what you have now.

I feel like happiness is like a delusion for most of us. We are elated by what we see in front of us, without knowledge of what is on the other side of that moment. It's a bubble that will always come back down and can be popped at any moment by any number of things; none of which you can prevent or see coming most times. "Life happens" and i feel that true happiness can never be reached so long as we view it as just the peaks and not the valies too.

Everything is temporary...
        but with an ending, there is a new beginning. If I am a person that truly believes that, i will be able to find joy in that moment of ending; because i know it's an opportunity for a new moment of life. One part should not be better than the other.

In the end we are who we are. No matter who we try to be or wish we were. I am left with me, I always am. Love alone isn’t enough some times.

Things change. People come and go. They change us, but in the end, I am who i originally was. My passions and desires can be suppressed or exploited, but they will always be there; the same.

We all try and force life to much sometimes. We hold on tight when life is good, or we find something we love- a job, house, friend. We spend money we don't have on things that make us excited and fight to make payments in order to keep them. An expensive illusion of happiness.

We plead with a man or woman to be what we want them to be so we can keep them in our illusion of a love life. When they may not be what we want at all! In pretending there is nothing wrong, fighting to hold on to what is already lost, or trying to change what is already apart of a person, we drag out the natural movement of life.

   This life is not what so many of us think it is. It is beautiful, but was already in place when we arrived. We can not change it. We will only begin to understand if we really want to see.
if something is real, it is at its core. The rock bottom. If you keep digging, whatever you find at the bottom is its true existence.

Life simply dusts us off. Sometimes takes chunks at a time away from this outside view of ourselves we have. Underneath the surface, that is who we are.
When the dust settles... are we honest? Selfless? Do we walk through this life and treat people like the lasting souls they are? With respect? Do we love?

are we happy?

I hope we are.
I've met some of the most fulfilled people on the road. The ones that have nothing. They enjoy a good meal and dry place to stay, finer things, sure. But at the core of there being, they are smiling in the rain, making music with their voices, loving whoever is in front of them.
I enjoy the ups and downs of my life. I have become rich in stories and freedom by knowing what really is.

I have so much more to learn.

Beautifuly Unfortunate

Warm sun keeps me hopful...
Got a house, yard, bus, and two dogs i now live with here in savannah Ga. I've been taking a lot of bus rides and trips here and there to keep myself busy, working as much as i can to pay for the rent i now have but; a home is nice. Room, fridge, friends of mine come by throughout the day to say hello because my phone's turned off. I wouldn't have it any other way. 

I'm writing a lot right now for some reason over the past few weeks. I'm' happy today. I miss someone as i went through a lot of old junk trying to make sense of the mess as i transport my things out of the bus into the home i'll be staying in for a while.

 I ran into some traveling friends of mine at the bar last night that braught back some memories... i met them in NY a few months ago and here they were! lol it was fun.

I remember what a friend of mine used to say about me years ago... he used to call me "Beautifuly Unfortunate". I am that. I feel "unfortunate" today, for a lot of reasons, but i think it was just grace giving me what i needed. I've found i'm happier the less i own. The more i have to foccuss on life as it is and not as it should be.

Life is good.

Randolph Bourne - an artist of life

This little sparrowlike man,


tiny twisted bit of flesh in a black cape,

always in pain and ailing,

put a pebble in his sling

and hit Goliath square in the forehead with it.


War, he wrote, is the health of the state.

Half musician, half educational theorist (weak health and being poor and twisted in body and on bad terms with his people hadn't spoiled the world for Randolph Bourne; he was a happy man, loved die Meistersinger and playing Bach with his long hands that stretched so easily over the keys, pretty girls, good food and evenings of talk. When he was dying of pneumonia a friend brought him an eggnog; "Look at the yellow, it’s beautiful," he kept saying as his life ebbed into delirium and fever. He was a happy man.) . . .

I believe this man was an artist at more than just his music his prose or mindful thieory.

Being an artist is about being able to embrace a moment for nothing more than what it is... then... at that seccond. Being able to take it in without expectation of the next moment... that is the future. And choosing what outlook you want to express in the moment. . .

  "Look at the Yellow, it's beautiful"... adoring something of simple beauty. 

I think the closer i can get away from the drones of the future, the happier i am. In this moment... at a coffee shop, smiling faces, blueberry cheese cake, hasil-nut coffee, music in the background... typing... you. Whoever may read this. This moment is perfect. I am content.
   I have to work in a few hours, dealing with whatever that intales...
   I just finished playing music in the park with a fiddling friend of mine...
but now is nice. Holding a ciggarette in my hand, watching it burn, breathing in... out... watching the smoke. "Look at it's floating rings, it's beautiful".

Being able to embrace a moment... and that only.

Taking even the negitave moments and allowing them to bee all that they are.
It's cold, raining, hungry, hopeful, but lonely... feeling pain left by dreams gone ariah. I don't want to cover this moment...

alone in my warm bed at night, missing love lost... i could call a friend, but that is not this moment. Taking time to be where i am... allowing wisdome to grow out of every seccond life gives. Taking in the richness of joy and pain.

  This is art. This is beauty.

This is love. Exceptance of an entity. Weather life, or a moment. Self, or another. Excceptance, and embracement of that which is infront of me.

  Enjoy life.

so i just had to turn off this movie called "Devil". I think i'm officially scared of elevators now! God. I can't watch things like that. had to leave the room. wow i'm shook up! i hate that things like a movie could bother me so much, but i guess it's because i really do believe in that shit. Anyway,

The picture on the top of this site is a great story. I was gonna tell you all about it, but im freaked out and need a cigarette. I'll tell you in the morning.  

The Echos of a soul

That personality is a transient by nature, not materialistic, existing for the moment. These people do it for the love of it, they need to keep moving, dreaming, living just for this day, tomorrow comes tomorrow.


I really don't think I've found my place in the world yet, I'm just on the road till I get there.

Trite and Meaningless

That's how I feel about my life some days, when I'm not thinking clearly of course.

There have been times when I wondered if I was pissing my life away, I'm not, I'm doing what I want to do, so I can't bitch.

I hate being tied down anyway, I like to keep moving, always.

I have tried a normal life a few times though, the end result was always the same, I got bored, started fucking shit up, lost momentum.

-0---- i am not the only one. 

I have had love, so strong it's ridiculous. I know it's pain... so much that doesn't make sense. I know joy that makes you wish you could convey it to someone. And sorrow that makes you loose any hope in your soul. 

I met a man here recently who was just like me. Both hurt and lonely, we talked about what we had lost and morned. We helped each other. True, genuine, and transient by nature. That is what we sheared. From the moment i saw his smile, i knew him. He knew me. We clung to each other knowing it would be for today, knowing our tomorrows were so unstable. We made plans, but we are the same. We never know. I left him first, then returned. He had to go then. He is gone now, but i will see him again and smile. 

He understood. 

So do I.

Some thoughts from Diaries of a Carnie.

++""Why oh why must we torture ourselves with the past? It’s been said that time heals all wounds, that’s a bunch of bullshit someone made up to make someone else, or themselves feel better. I honestly hope it worked. It doesn’t work for me.

Time doesn’t heal anything, it just wears it away, that’s not healing really. It’s kind of like rain on concrete, it just breaks it down after years and years. The concretes gone eventually, it’s the same with wounds, time wears them away, we forget, they’re gone. The ones that do remain, we still feel.


Everything is temporary, there is no forever. Enjoy what you have now"**


"I don't regret my time with John, My drifter, my travels, or my child hood. I was lucky to have those moments period". 

"In the end we are who we are. No matter who we try to be or wish we were. I am left with me, I always am.Love alone isn’t enough some times." --**


**from auther unknown. Diaries of a Carnie.

Mirrors

Life has a funny way of following us no matter where we go, because we have to bring ourselves along. We can't leave ourselves behind with all the other shit. No matter where I go, there I am, fuck.


I heard screaming outside...
I was sitting on the computer doing some research, reading some shit. At first i thought it was the tv. I ignored it. Then, as it began to grow louder and louder, i was still reading... i started seeing myself... screaming. Pleading... like i was in a dream replaying a past event i've done well to forget about. I started to feel uncomfortable and finally got up and went outside. 
What i saw was like seeing a movie playing in slow motion a memory that has repeated in my life so many times. 


She was crying... screaming. He was walking away in front of her. She was chasing him. He was waving his hand. Telling her to just go away, that he didn't want her anymore. She was desperate. He didn't care. This continued until they were out of sight. Then they guys voice... quiet. Whimpering... then more sobs and screaming, until it faded out of earshot. 


 I thought of a Jim Carey movie i saw a few days ago, "Bruce Almighty". In one particular scene empowered with all of god's power he screamed,  "Love Me! Love me!" to his girlfriend who had dumped him for being a doosh bag. The portrayed thought was, 'you can not control another man's will', not even god.


I have so many emotions inside of me right now. 
Yesterday:
  I heard the sound from blocks away, and sure enough, there he was with a band of new travelers, doing what he loves most. They were jamming out of the street. Upon seeing me he smiled the biggest smile, waved and started dancing. It warmed my heart so much! We have sheared some good memories. He lives here in town on and off i guess. like me. i met up with them later on that day at the coffee shop. I found out he had just decided to leave the following day to head to Louisiana with this new band of drifters. I was saddened to know he was leaving, but knew that he needed this. He needed to go and was just waiting for an opportunity. I almost went too, but i'll see him again. In February most likely. On the road.


The Road. . . . .


I've been reading about how emotional it is to others. Not just me. It is that insane addiction to almost everyone who has experienced it. Those that haven't don't understand the need for it. And shouldn't. That is most of you. I hope you never get it. But for those of us that do... it's not because it makes sense. It's because it's who we are. We just are drifters. We have found what makes us feel alive, what keeps us sane. 


Unfortunately, i am he, she, one of them. A drifter. Even if i learn to cope, become somewhat stable, and normal, that spirit is still inside me. I may learn to controle it, but it is a monster inside of me. A wind swirling round in my soul. it's hard to stand still with her trying to take you away. But it can be done. 
I just don't know how to be happy and content with this beast. Or why i am cursed with it.


I just got back... but i'm sad today. Because better judgment says for me to stay instead of jump on the back on that train tomorrow to Nola. I will see you soon...

Alas, My Life

To be, or not to be? To go, or not to go? To stay, or not to stay? Alas, my life begs for direction. It longs for something i don't have, that is desicion.

I'm still in NY. I was supposed to be headed home soon, but i dont know now. The friend that was supposed to come and get me on sunday, has sense came up with other plans and i don't think is an option. He has to drop his friend in DC and there isn't room for me in the truck. I could try and get to DC, but that in itself requires so much more effort (a ride into the city :$20.00 + a subway ticket 3.00 + bus to DC $30.00 = $53.00 not to mention i'd be having to load, unload, and carry all of my bags and guitar all over NYC then arrive in DC where i'd have to wait to be picked up again. Uh. I'm exausted. I found a train that leaves from where i am on monday at 9pm and arrives seventeen hours later in Savannah GA for $195.00 or if i stay here another week, i could get the same train at a special rate $85.00. Niether of which i'm excited about. I don't want to spend 195.00, but i don't want to have to stay another week. I'm working here at this crooked candy shop in New Paltz NY now, and could come home with more money in my pocket if i waited.... but there are two jobs in Savannah I want to be there for that are openning up for hire this week. If i'm not there, i'm not going to get either. Oh, the options.

Anyway, i want to tell you about my time here. I'll worry about getting home later.

New Palts is a beautiful city. I'm glad i came and got to experience another part of the US and see an old friend. It's a complete hippy town and everyone has been super geat to me. Some of the girls took me hiking, around town, bar hopping and just hanging out on main st.
There is a place here called the gardens; just a big field where farmers rent a plot, 12x12 or whatever and plant things. The travelers are alloud to go by and hellp harvest for food and keep the over run unkept food for themselves. The's also good camping near by.

I spent a lot of time just chillin' on Main St. with my guitar talking to other local bored hippies. lol like this guy>>> Andrew is one of the local artists. Cool guy.
This is a good shot of the strip. I played at this cafe'.

The rail trail was fun. It connects three citys here. New Paltz is in the center. It's beautiful during the day and is quite the party spot at night (no it's not leagal to be there at night, but no one seems to care).

Me and and an awesome girl named Emily wondered all day on the rail trail this past wednesday and decided to take a shortcut. lol we wondered up into this guys farm. they didn't say anything... but we noticed the "trespass and your dead signs" after we let ourselves out of their gate. 

Then there was the Four Loco party. Ha, JUST SAY NO!

they are banning this drink soon so some of the kids in town baught a few cases and cellebrated it's last few weeks here in NY. I see why they are banning it, as i blacked out at some point between the band in the basement, and the blacklit room upstairs. Aparently, i wasn't the only one! It was a hell of a party. There is a time for everthing i guess, but that will be my one and only experience with Four Loko. Took me three days to recover, and this girl took a week! Just say no. lol

Soon it will be almost a month i've be gone and i've had a fun haze of a time. Lot's of drinking under the bridge, wondering, standing outside, meeting randome people, but i'm ready to go I think. This town is a moderately open hippy village, but there's always that point where it's time to move on. And it's that time.

I've got to get back to Georgia so i can be ready for my next trip. The bus is about ready to go... again! lol And i miss a few people there. (You know who you are!) I'll upload more pictures of NYC chinna town later. That was cool too. So however i get home, i hope to do so within a week or so. I'd like to be around for christmas.... though i've gotten the offer to go to Colorodo for Christmas, i don't know yet.

Wherever the wind blows.

May we all learn to ride well. 

Don't go where the trail leads, but go where it doesn't lead, and leave a trail.

NYC!! Like wow.

So... i've been here in NYC for five minutes and i freaking love it!  The bus let out at China Town right infront of what looked like an abandoned building... but no. it was a Coffee Shop!!! Thank god! And who was behind the counter but one of the most handsome men i've ever seen! lol Yep. I like New York. lol

So, I have to find my other bus station that will take me out of town into the town where my friend lives. New Pauls. I'm not so excited about leaving this coffee shop! I'm thought about busking a little downtown, but I've all but decided to save that for another day and just sight see today. Uh Oh. I think i'm gonna really like New York.